My journey starts at age 9 when I started having my menstrual cycle. My cycle was fairly regular and were “normal.” Fast forward to age 13; I unwillingly became sexually active and thought that my value was found there ( long story as I was a product of divorce and parents unwilling to work it out between them) So I was put on birth control pills. Honestly I think that was what triggered the PCOS/Endo BUT what is done is done. While on birth control I threw up every morning and was in horrible pain when my cycle came. I think that was for a year and then my cycles STOPPED. I didn’t have one for at least a year and constantly thought I might be pregnant at age 14, because I was sexually active in a committed relationship. My mom took me to the doctor because she was fearful that the birth control had sent me into menopause. After a physical exam and blood work it was determined that I had PCOS/Endo and I would never have children (1995ish). At this point in my life I was with a boyfriend that was older than me but we had been together, exclusively, for about 1 year and with that diagnosis all my hopes and dreams of family were crushed ( I know I was only 14 but I really did love him ) The doctor basically told me that I should stay on the birth control and then he put me on pain medications to manage the pain. This lasted about a year and half when at age 16 my relationship ended with my boyfriend and I fell into a downward spiral with my life. I experimented with drugs and had multiple sexual partners. This only confirmed the doctor’s diagnosis of me never being able to have children because I was never careful to prevent pregnancy. I lost my dad when I was 17 and fell even farther. I met my now husband when I was 20. He was the only person who did not want me for sex and he cared enough to help get me clean. Soon after I lost my mom and I know that my husband is the only reason why I am alive today, my mom was my best friend and confident. My husband and I dated for 4 years and not once in that time did we ever prevent pregnancy and I never got pregnant. When he proposed I made sure he knew we would likely never have children of our own and he had to be okay with that. Well he was so we decided to go on and get married on 9-2-2005. We were getting settled in at our new home when I was starting to have tremendous amount of back/side pain. I thought it was just a result of the accident I had been in earlier in the year and injured my back. I made an appointment (10-20-2005) and a pregnancy test was ran as a routine and came back positive! I was in shock and instantly knew something was wrong. I knew this wouldn’t end well…I was sent for ultrasounds and it was confirmed that I had a 7 week pregnancy in my left tube and would have to have emergency surgery that day. I called my husband’s work and they sent him home, this was before everyone had smart-phones ( how did we survive before! ) . He made the 1.5 hour trip in about 45 minutes. I had experienced loss in my life before, grandparents and parents, but nothing compared to the hurt/grief/devastation I felt that day and the days to follow. I can barely remember being prepped for the surgery except for the older nurse that was with me the whole time. She was so sweet and helped me stay calm, she was an angel. After the surgery I was put on heavy pain medicine and xanx so I don’t remember the next week, only that my husband was the sweetest man and took care of everything. After I recovered I met with my OBGYN and re-evaluated my chances of becoming pregnant again, he said that my chances were better now that I had fallen pregnant before and to just keep trying. Well at that point we were not really ready so we put it off till after we bought our home on 2-14-2007. We got settled and began trying to get pregnant. After 4 months of having sex everyday, so romantic!, I found I was pregnant but in pain almost like before so I was scared. We went for confirmation of pregnancy and ultrasound…baby was in my uterus! We were in shock and very guarded in being happy. I was a high risk pregnancy and was at the doctors a lot, lol. When I made it to 4 months and we found out we were having a son my doctor stopped us and told us “ you can be excited, you are past the scary part of your pregnancy.” We were happy but too afraid to show it a lot. When I was 6 months pregnant we traveled 4 hours to visit with friends over New Year’s weekend and my doctor sent all medical records with me because I was having contractions already but since we were going close to a huge medical center he approved the travel. When we arrived back everything was fine and I was working full-time. The first week in February 2008 I began bleeding and going into labor so I was put on strict bed-rest for the next month. On February 29th I was told I could get up and move around because things had settled down and all should be fine. Well, needless to say my son was born later that day. 2-29-2008 was the most surreal day of my life. I had a horrible birth experience ( that is a story for another post ) but I finally had my son in my arms. I was in love but exhausted, as any mother is. After a couple of years I began to think we should try again and my husband agreed. When hit the 1 year of trying with no luck mark we sought medical advice and was put on a couple rounds of fertility treatments (clomid) with no luck. After 2 years of trying and our marriage suffering because of the stress we decided that we should be happy with the son we have and fix the damage in the marriage so we could have a healthy, happy, family for him to grow up in.
I write all this to share my story and give hope to those who feel hopeless. I know how you feel and know that if it meant to be it will. Maybe there is child out there in foster care or an adoption facility that is meant for your family. We have thought about adoption but for us in our current financial situation it isn’t in the cards. I still have health issues stemming from my PCOS/Endo, work 2 jobs and home-school so I can’t see how adding a baby or child into the mix would benefit the child or us. I have a large family ( 7 of us siblings total) and they have children or will have children so my son has lots of cousins to grow up with.
Here is a link to my post on definitions of PCOS/Endo and my symptoms.